There I was feeling down on myself for royally screwing up my life when my close friends assured me that having less responsibility is for the best. I would have more time to focus on academia, I could enjoy my final semester at ASU, and I would be less stressed. Although I wasn't happy, things were sounding better. At least I had the support of my friends, family, and the cute boy I'm dating (PDF). I was getting a hold of the silver lining in my little rainstorm when a hurricane came and rocked my world.
As fate would have it, I am being asked to step down from my position as President because there are an abundance of other students who are looking to get involved. Additionally, I have lost my research project because there are other students who can work more effectively on a time line. Turns out "other students" is just a code word for my Potential Dating Future. That's right folks, the boy I am dating has inadvertently stolen my presidency, my research project, and my heart.
The worst part is that he isn't doing any of these things intentionally. He didn't plot to have me removed as President or menacingly steal my project. He was just himself. Intelligent, passionate, committed, honorable, and trustworthy among a million other things (No wonder I am dating him, he's a catch!). It's just hard to know that the person who is better than you is your secret-keeper and partner in crime, the one holding your hand.
With my confidence shattered and my morale completely missing I can hardly stomach being in his presence much less attempting to converse with him. All I can think about is how I am not good enough, how I directly do not measure up to him.
Have you ever walked into a party with your potluck dish of macaroni salad in your lucky tube socks all ready to win the potato sack race only to realize it's a cocktail party? It kinda feels like that.
On our way downtown this morning it was all I could do to fight back tears as feelings of inferiority and sheer stupidity washed over me. It was then I began to notice how mismatched we are. There I was waiting for the train with smudged glasses, bad breath (despite brushing my teeth 3 times), sticky-out hair, and a baggy hoody (a result of being up for a portion of the night vomiting my guts out with food poisoning) holding the hand of a boy who had undoubtedly showered and was dressed in casual business attire looking flawless. On the train he was reading Blink: The Power of Thinking Without Thinking which Wikipedia says "popularizes research from psychology and behavioral economics on the adaptive unconscious"(what the heck does that mean, anyway?) while I was struggling to sit up straight. Checking out at Circle K I grabbed a water and strawberry-kiwi Gatorade while he purchased a USA Today and a black coffee. He talked about the hurricane in Haiti and the importance of the assistance from the American government, I have difficulty pronouncing the word Haiti correctly.
I can't tell if my thought process is at all being altered by my tendency to become irrational after little to no sleep and low blood sugar. Most likely. I wonder if the feeling of inadequacy will dispel or if I will continually harbor my inferiority of the ironic situation at hand ultimately resulting in resentment and anger ruining any relationship we may have cultivated.
I do know that I will not be able to help foster a healthy relationship if I constantly feel less sophisticated, mature, and put-together along with seeming totally incompetent. It would be like dating Audrey Hepburn.
I think I need lunch.
I hope the nausea dissipates soon.
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