the potty dance

At the hospital I work at we have automatic everything and hand sanitizer everywhere. As a result we have automatic flushing toilets (the last thing you want to think about is putting your hands all over the handle of a toilet that's been the victim of a scary spraying situation/been stomped on 1000 times). I know this is probably not a new technology to anyone, but it is not the "automatic" bit I am having trouble with. My friends what my problem is, is the timing of these flushing systems.

 On almost a daily basis I find myself flying into a stall and attempting to arrange the magic paper buffer on top of the toilet seat. This is usually fairly difficult for me as I am also doing the "potty dance" writhing around like a two-stepping snake on crack (shut up, it makes sense). I always have to use two of the complimentary hygienic barriers because I rip the first one in half while trying to separate the middle circle part from the section that actually covers the toilet seat. (If you do not complete this first step and attempt to use it, you will have boomerang reaction with whatever you were trying to keep off of your pants in the first place.) After arranging the covers on the toilet seat, you must carefully balance them so that they do not slip off and fall into the toilet water. This will cause you to begin the potty process all over. By the time I turn around and yank my pants to my knees I hear the dreaded clicking and "whoosh" of the toilet. All my hard work literally goes down the drain and I must start from the beginning, this time with my pants down.

A few times my bum has made contact with the toilet seat just before the mass of paper is sucked away and suddenly I know exactly what it must feel like to be using the loo right as the pilot of an airplane flushes everything out. What I can't help but wonder is how the censor bot sitting on top of the toilet is mistaking my routine of cleanliness while attempting not to wet myself for someone actually peeing into the toilet. Is the bot being overworked? Have its censors gone mad? Maybe I am just in the slow category when it comes to getting my tush on the seat. In any case I will continue to perfect the potty process until one day I dance so much I acquire the thigh muscles to hover my self above the toilet seat.

i hope peeing is less complicated at your work.